Sick as a dog

I can honestly join the few people in the world that have suffered with real flu and my word it is terrible. I just ate for the first time since Wednesday evening -just clarify its 2pm on Sunday. All I could bare to eat were a few pieces of raw vegetables.

I have barely been able to move for four days now! I am glad this happened over the weekend because I would never have been able to do this if it was during the week.

I have to resign my job soon because it is taking a massive physical toll that I just cant cope with.

I thought I might have more to write but it seems I am all out of info!

Gratitude

Some days I just feel grateful and not for the things you would expect!

Today I am grateful that I held my tongue when one of my colleagues was irritating me because when I needed a lift home because I felt incredibly ill he agreed to take me. He also made excuses for me in the afternoon for not completing admin work I was supposed to do today because he knew I was really ill.

The thing I am most especially grateful for is the stupid bitch who said she refused to do my admin for me on the day I was so ill probably feels like an absolute idiot now because so many others were willing to step in where she was not.

There are few things in life I despise more than people who say "that's not my job!" because the reality is if you adopt that attitude with others, when you finally need assistance you will get the same response.

While I understand my job means I am rarely able to attend to administrative work because I am on the road three weeks in a month, I have spent months begging for a competent admin assistant. Finally I get someone and she is not competent - she is an intern who also has a major attitude problem. AND during the busiest period of my year and after only one month on the job she is on leave. I mean seriously!

I have never felt so exhausted in my life and I have never felt so sick in my life. I have finally experienced true flu!

its bizarre the first day I have had off in about a month and a half ( I mean first day - cos I work weekends and weekdays) is the day I am off ill and I still get shit for it and the little bint had the audacity to tell me I should come into the office occasionally to do admin! Seriously F@#*k You!

Wow it feels great to vent!

Busy

Wow - so busy right now its insane. I actually should be doing other work right now but my brain is starting to fry from being "on" all the time. Facts are I am doing +/- 16 activations in different parts of the country over the next 3 weeks. I am glad that its going well and I feel like if I get this right that there is nothing that will get me down in this industry.

I also will need some time off after this so I can recoup. I have not done much on my list recently which is poor form so I thought I better at least blog something so here it is.

and it appears that will be it for now because my next appointment just arrived. Oh to write something of substance!

The Green-Eyed Monster

I have to say the number one killer in a relationship has to be jealousy, A. because it eludes to a lack of trust and B. because you will probably drive your partner away with jealousy. I say this because I struggle with it - but alas I am the monster and if you couple that with the insecurity and the negativity that I manage to pile on as well its a surprise that anyone sticks around. My boyfriend had after work drinks with a friend of his sister's yesterday and my stomach bottomed out. I felt wretched and for no obvious good reason except that I was jealous that I am away on business and could not be there and then my mind did that awful thing where it started asking is something happening? I know many woman would say you have to trust your intuition but the problem is that there is a fine line between intuition and insecurity.

I think the other thing that struck me this morning is that if I keep thinking negatively I dont really deserve a positive outcome ( I say keep because this is not the first time I have been jealous)- It's almost a bit like the secret where you have to put good things out into the world and then you get good things back.

Now I need to explain that our relationship has been rocky, it isn't at the moment (I see question marks on your face)but getting to where we are now has been difficult. So the next thing I had to think about is do I love him? I mean do I really love him? I know it seems like a wierd question to ask but in order for me to banish the insecurity and the jealousy for good I need to reflect on a few things. If I love him I need to trust him, if I love him I need to respect his friendships male or female. If I love him then I have employ a little faith in his fidelity.

I am going to get a little "realistic" now - the fact is if he goes out with other people and he cheats on me he did something wrong , not me! The fear of losing someone makes you somehow take ownership of a guilt that is not yours.

Finally, I have cheated on him, he knows and he forgave me(although it was tough and agonizing and I thought we would never get through it but somehow we did and let me tell you the guilt never goes away) and really suspicion is born from reflecting your behaviour onto others. People who would never dream of cheating dont worry about their partners doing it.

So what it comes down to is that I have put my shit aside, trust him and allow myself happiness otherwise I will go insane.

I deserve to be happy
I deserve to be loved
I love Bear
He loves me
we respect each other
Everything is going well
and we are happy together!

Guilty Pleasure

Is it called a guilty pleasure because you know you should be doing something else? Like right now the kitchen is a mess, my room really does look like a bomb has hit it but I can not bring myself to tidy either because I am guilty-ly (not sure if that's a real word)enjoying not doing anything constructive. This is my first weekend off in two weeks and yesterday I did shopping for the house, washed dishes and cooked supper and it did not feel like a day off at all so today I am flat out refusing to do anything... Only problem is I fell guilty!

I also feel guilty that I had no intention of calling my parents today until I heard that one of my flatmate's friends's fathers died yesterday. as expected nothing spectacular is happening with them but at least I know they are both well and acting as bizarrely as they have been for weeks.

My mum is set to move here mid-September but get this my dad is coming for the trip but is not staying, they are too weird for words and I think I have chosen ignorance as a way to deal with their break-up or whatever the hell it is that they are doing.

Work has been hectic but I feel happy because I am enjoying it and I think I am pretty good at it as well. I dont like being away from Bear as much as I have been but on some level it sems to be doing our relationship some good.

Another sad-ish reality is that I have not been going to the gym and therefore am not losing any weight at all. I have to recommit. I spend a fair amount of my time recommitting to things. But I have to, to this one and well a number of other things. But its those guilty pleasures that keep holding me back.

Opportunities

Bear (my Boyfriend) may have landed himself the best opportunity and I am excited for him. I feel like the doors are opening for the both of us. We spent about an hour in the bath tonight(our time to catch up on each others news) talking about how to make both our careers more successful. I have not seen him motivated like this for months and I feel great because he has great things on the horizon.

The truth is he has been battling to get his own business started for over a year now and I was getting really worried that he had run out of steam and now the new opportunity is flexible on his time so he can work on both.

We do not have a perfect relationship by a long shot but I love him very much and I want him to be happy and let me tell you a man without a purpose will never be a happy man. Its amazing really, I don't think I would feel bewildered and unimportant if I did not have work, I would be happy adding value by keeping the home clean and nice to live in but that may be because I am a woman and I am defined by so many more things than just my career. Just is the wrong word, I think what I meant to say was 1st. I'm not sure.

As a woman you can have so many titles, mother, sister, lover, Mrs, Miss, Mzz, Doctor, Your Honour and not one of the titles will ever be the sole defining element of who you are, but I have learnt from watching my father be unemployed for years and with Bear struggling with his company a man cannot fulfill any of his other designations adequately if he has not achieved something in his career.

Perhaps that's a generalisation or perhaps its just the men who feature in my life but the fact remains we all define ourselves by the things we do, the families we belong to, the friends we have etc. and while women can feel whole without a career (many girls I know just have jobs) it seems men cannot.

I understand it as men are taught to be providers and I like that, I like the idea that the guy I am with wants to provide for himself and for me. I am ambitious but as I grow older and have children I don't want to have to work. So I believe in supporting a man in reaching his career goals because I think you will end up with a happier husband/partner and a better relationship.

I know feminists around the world would gouge my eyes out with the previous statement but they would be making a mistake. I don't think my only role is supporting my man but it is an important role, just as your partner should support you in the way you need to be supported (its different for everybody I think).

At the end of the day what i am trying to say is Bear's happiness gets me one step closer to Greece:-)

Last day of the World Cup

Okay so I'll say this first. I am glad to see the back of the World Cup. I have worked everyday for the last 30 days I dont really have a sense of humour, in fact I have become very angry. I cant really explain it I just feel angry inside and I think its part jealousy because I feel like I missed the joy of the World Cup because of a job that I dont really love and I also watched everyone really love it ( the world cup not my job:-)) but I think its mostly that I am tired and I need some time to myself and once all of this is over I will feel a lot better.

But on the flip side I am really sad that its all almost over. I feel really proud of being South African and I am glad I am one of those who always believed the World Cup would be a success. I am irrationally full of hatred for Uruguay, a soccer team full of, in my opinion, bad sports and cheaters, except Forlan,who I wish belonged to another team because his performance in this tournament has been exceptional. I begrudgingly say that post their defeat last night against Germany.

The thing about this World Cup is that I finally got it, I finally understood why people and players cry when their teams are knocked out of the tournament. When South Africa was knocked out in the first round, I cried bitterly and was depressed for days because I felt like a bad refereeing decision had destroyed the hopes of a nation. I remember actually screaming with joy when we scored the second goal against France and when the third goal was disallowed due to being offside I stood there with my hand over my mouth in disbelief because for a moment we had beaten the odds. At the end of the France match I felt like our boys had done well but it still ached. Then it was onto the final African team, Ghana! I cried when The evil Suarez hand-balled a sure Ghana winning goal out of the nets, but was glad they got a penalty and then I was crushed when Gyan overshot the penalty and then I was livid when I saw Suarez fist pump the air because Gyan missed. and so it goes for each match that I have felt some level of investment in. The team you support takes you on an emotional roller coaster that nine times out of ten is go to end in disappointment.

I even have a tear in my eye right now remembering all these amazing moments.

When speaking to my boyfriend about how unfair it is when a ref makes a mistake, or players dive and the free kick is given, or when little bastards who cheat celebrate another teams defeat while walking off the field, he has just laughed. He said to me "I've been supporting Newcastle for years I am used to the disappointment" followed by an explanation that sometimes the decision goes in your favour and sometimes it doesn't.

so I leave you with this sentiment, I have hated the World Cup, I have loved the World Cup, I never knew that a game could cause me so much anguish and all's fair in love, war and football.

Hungover

I have so much to write and catch up on. Been working my ass of during the World Cup and I really want to share what the whole experience has been like but today I am Hungover!

Its a pretty bad one because it is also leveraging itself off of a month of too little sleep and not eating right etc. So I am in bed feeling a little sorry for myself. Hoping with everything in my heart that someone will start cooking a delicious lunch and serve it to me in bed.

The worst thing about a hangover is its your own fault! I have been doing a little bit of overindulging with regards to smoking, drinking , eating this month but I am pleased to say that after last night I am back to a more tee totaling lifestyle from Monday. The cigarettes are going out the window today. I actually completely stopped before the World Cup but the immense stress I have dealt with in the last month and also having to curb my appetite, as I have eaten very rarely over the last month, has meant that old bad habit crept back into my repertoire.

Seriously though hangovers what a total waste of time, they render me useless to the human race and quite frankly I don't even feel human today.

I really am just rambling but I have missed writing so much I thought I would just bang out a few lines.

next post to be filled with all the World Cup action!!!!!

How adult am I supposed to be?

My parents left- my father on Friday and my mother on Saturday. As you may have guessed no it was not the perfect family holiday. We had a few days that were great and many moments of laugh out loud fun but the fact remains both my parents were here thinking that it would be the last family holiday we ever had. I know that I am weeks away from my 29th birthday and that your parents separating is something that is traumatic for young children that dont understand but I dare to say that children adapt easier and adults do understand it makes it even harder to believe in love forever!

As an individual believe that marriage should be until you die. I have no intention of getting married if I dont intend on living by the vows I take on my wedding day but I think so many people today think of divorce as always being the first option should it not work out, that getting married is not really sacred anymore.

My mom treats me like her best friend and I suppose at 61 a divorce has got be pretty traumatic so I cant really tell her it makes me feel really uncomfortable discussing what a bad husband my father is especially seeing as he is having an affair!

While this is pretty shite what's even worse is having frank discussions with my father about the lack of intimacy between him and my mom while he's trying to explain to me his side of the story. EWWWWWWWWW! but on a more heartbreaking note my father proceeded to tell me how this woman he met really gets him and he feels excited to see her and hear her voice. This sucked more than all the rest because I felt angry and betrayed for my mother. She has really stood by him - through unemployment, alcoholism, two very sick children, financial liquidation and who knows what the hell else for 35 years and my father feels he is justified in leaving her because she is older now and they aren't intimate and because get this she has stayed with him out of obligation.

I am no love therapist but if anybody believes that staying by somebody through all that is out of duty and not out of love then they are two things, stupid and deluded.

My mom has said she'll come live with us and start over and really hope she does, for her sake otherwise she will just keep going through this crap with my dad.

The thing that has been hardest to find out during their visit is that I really love my dad and when he hurts my mom it hurts me too.

The business

So one of the things on the list is start a business...

I have an idea and I think I can do it- in fact I am pretty sure I'd be great at it and my mom thinks so too. So much so that she is willing to give me the start-up capital out of her pension!

I feel a little freaked about this. Reason 1 is that it means I can actually do this and it makes all the other things I have wanted to accomplish seem that much more available. And reason 2 is it's my mom's pension and what if it doesn't work out? I am confident that it'll work but you cant help having a small concern when the consequences are so big.

It makes me laugh a little though, because yesterday I was telling my brother's boyfriend that if he wanted to make the most of his life he had to take big risks to reap big rewards and here I am faced with a very similar dilemma and it makes me grind my teeth a little.

My parents are coming to visit my brother and I for the first time since he moved here. I feel half excited to see them and half not. I miss them and love them very much but, unfortunately, what comes with them is a whole lot of angst and well, if I am being diplomatic, "difficulty".

I will keep you posted on how the visit goes and perhaps when I have become a little more comfortable about blogging I might go into the "difficulty" part. Some of it is pretty amusing, my boyfriend says my family reminds him of Spud's family from the book series-Spud by John van de Ruit. Absolutely excellent series by on of my favourite SA Authors. A must read:-)

Another silly but exciting thing is a friend from the office gave me her belly dancing skirt because she didn't like it. Its beautiful and red. First class on Thursday.

While making the list was a piece of cake actually completing the tasks seem a lot more daunting but I refuse to give up.

One thing I do need to know is, this beauty regime thing do other woman really do this every day???? I have like four creams to put on before I even touch the sunscreen and my mascara. I don't think even the strongest UV beams would get at my skin.

Finally for the record I am still recovering from the surgery and I am concerned I may be becoming addicted to the pain medication, if this carries on much longer I will become dependant and this blog will be about my 13 months to sobriety!

In closing I leave you with this thought, youth is wasted on the young and money is wasted on the aged!!!!!!

I struggle with patience

I realise that I struggle with patience, which is a bit of a new discovery for me because I always thought I was very patient but I feel very angry today that its Saturday and I may well have to spend the day in bed because my head is throbbing. Yes I realise I had surgery just two weeks ago and that it takes a while for your sinuses to repair but seriously I have had a crap time of it all week could it not let up a little on Saturday?

I want to do whole lot of things today but every time I lift my head from my pillow it feels like someone has put the front of my head and nose in a vice grip and is squeezing so hard my brain will explode any second.

I feel irritated mostly because I had plans for this weekend, specifically regarding my list and it seems that I will have to put most of them off until tomorrow. You see the problem with sinus pain is, it is debilitating enough for you to not be able to carry out normal activities but not bad enough to render you unconscious.

Sucks, Sucks, Sucks!!!!!!!!!

I hate it here!

Lucky Me

So I wasn't retrenched today!

Weird statement I know, so I'll rewind a little. The department I work in is at best a lame duck and as of today is officially a dead duck My client slipped into my bosses office this afternoon to explain that the company has had cut backs and the "Duck" department has been culled with immediate effect.

My line manager and I were called in to be told that luckily two people had resigned this month in other departments so we are being moved BUT and here's the big but, if they hadn't resigned we would be retrenched.

I know somewhere I breathed a sigh of relief. Probably the rationale, I have to pay the bills me said "Thank God" but the creative me was disappointed because the creative me has been suffocating in the duck pond for way too long and I probably would be pushed even harder in the new directions I am tentatively pointed in if I was retrenched.

I do get to try my hand at a new position but I hate the place I work. I know hate is a strong word but the crap I have endured over the last couple of months just makes me not trust anyone there. I even feel nervous putting these words down in case I am being spied on.(okay having read the preview of this it sounds a little paranoid and very whiny but I'm leaving it in because its true)

It sucks! really it sucks a lot to hate your job. You spend so much of your time there it seems like its only fair that you should at least like what you do. The sad thing is a lot of people don't like what they do and that makes me feel really sad for them.

I would also caution that there is no point doing a job you hate your whole life because you only have one life and chances are if you don't like doing something you're probably not going to be all that good at it anyway.

So here's the thing, I didn't get retrenched today and I am glad I am not unemployed but it also made me realize that I don't care enough about this job and before I become completely despondent I neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to get a new job.

Not inspired

Fact:

1. My brother needs my laptop to do a varsity assignment

Consequence:

My post will be short and very uninspired.

I spent most of my day wondering what happens to Jack on 30 Rock after Banks convinces the board to let Guise's daughter head up the company.

What this means is I had a very boring day at work and spent more time surfing the net than actually working and that is because I had nothing to do. Dull!

I did however get the mail address of a very important editor to a very cool magazine. How I will use this email adress will be revealed shortly but not tonight...

Why?

Because its really exciting and I don't have the time to get into it and I really really want to get into it.

anyway Laters!

The soundtrack of your life

I some times wonder what my life's soundtrack would be like? While I was driving home this afternoon my radio station was playing You got it by Roy Orbison and I felt like that song just has to be on my soundtrack. Right then at that moment I felt like I could have anything in the world I wanted and it made me even more determined to make sure I pursued all the things on that list. BUT then I got home and I felt tired from work and my head started to hurt and then I didn't feel so awesome any more.

I suppose the point is that music really can change your mood and life can, I mean real life, can sometimes really bring you down. I was going to crawl into bed now and not write anything but I felt like I was already losing the momentum.

So I'm writing now and I am going to give myself a break, I had surgery last week Friday, so yes I am going to feel tired my first day back at work and yes my head is going to hurt and no that doesn't mean that I am losing momentum. I'm just human.

I'm not kidding myself, some of the things I plan on doing over the next couple of months are going to take a fair amount of bravery and a whole lot of discipline, which, by nature I seriously seem to lack but my hope is I'll get better and braver as I go along and that my life's soundtrack will have whole lot of You got it and not too much running scared

so much to see

I spent my morning paying my accounts and window shopping- well mostly window shopping. I did begin on one of my bucket list items and that is put together a proper beauty regime. I have opted for Clinque, I think its because I like the cleanliness of the brand - it seems almost scientific. I have a full face wash and care range of products and I bought a night cream. so that's the start of that. The next thing on the agenda for that particular item is to set up an appointment for my manicure and pedicure. Here I am pretty much going in the dark again. I don't have a place I usually go to and I am not sure what a good manicure is as opposed to a bad one. I suppose I will live and learn.

After my beauty purchases I went down to Exclusive books. I could spend hours in a book shop. It always feels so rich and I get excited by just how much their is to learn out there. I checked out the manuals for learning French and I think I might buy the Oxford set, it seems the most comprehensive- but gain if anyone has done this already maybe you have a suggestion?

I looked at the fashion section in the book shop as well and I already have a list of books I am going to need for the Fashion design/sewing portion of the list.

I feel like a kid in a candy store, it feels like there are suddenly a million opportunities available to me that I have never seen before.

I realize however I am going to have to prioritize my to do list for two reasons. 1. I am not a Rockefeller which, means I just don't have the budget to get everything all at once.
2. I think if I tried to do this all at the same time I might become totally overwhelmed.

Yesterday I applied to two jobs and I am applying to two more today so hold thumbs. Better pay will certainly help with reason number one.

I am really excited about this new endeavor! WOW!

Just over 13 months to 30

It’s incredible how it sneaks up on you. I never imagined that my 30th birthday would make me feel so weary but just over a month before my 29th I realise that I am nowhere near where I want to be and even worse I am letting life happen to me. So I have made myself a condensed version of the bucket list. I am determined to get all these things done by the time my 30th birthday rolls around.
1. Write a novel: I have applied to College Writers SA and have been accepted for a 12 month course. All I have to do is pay the 1st fifty percent and I can get started. That means come the 30th of this month this portion of my list begins.
2. Become fluent in French: I have always wanted to speak French and I did pretty well at it at school. I have not quite thought how I am going to do this as yet but will keep you posted.
3. Start a design and sewing course: when I was younger I used to make clothes for Barbie and well they were pretty cool and I need a hobby. Why not this?
4. Get a job I love - this will coincide with either no.1 or no.5 depending how the year works out but in the meantime I really need to leave the suffocate sh*thole of a place I work at and do something that inspires me rather than something that tires me.
5. Start my own business: I’m keeping mum on this one for a while but watch this space.
6. Lose the 15kg - this tyre needs to go!
7. Commit to a beauty regime: My mother told me I needed to get this sorted by the time I was 25 or I would look 30 before I knew it, Boy was she right- well it’s never too late to start and as a bonus to this goal I am also going to go to a spa at least twice a year for a full day and I am going to commit to a manicure and pedicure once a month.
8. Go on Holiday to Greece: okay so all this would be quite a tall order never mind organising an overseas holiday but...I really want to go there and I think it sounds like a super 30th B-day present to me so my vow is to have the plans laid out and the tickets booked by my 30th
9.Read 60 books in the next year- the catch is they can’t all be novels (any suggestions are welcome) I am starting slowly with Tami Hoag Still Waters
10. I have to go to at least 50 belly dancing classes.

My unofficial number 11 is to learn to relax because I don’t think I really know how and until I learn that I will not learn how to deal with stress.

What brought this on aside from the very scary realisation that 30 is just around the corner? I guess I am just tired of feeling dissatisfied with... well everything.

HMMMMM

So it seems time just flies but problems stay. I have not lost the weight I intended to and I have not made considerable changes in my life. I have moved into a more expensive house but have not improved my salary so I am struggling to make ends meet and well some days it all seems a little weird that life takes hold of you so hard and squeezes all your energy out of you.

And other days you can wake up and feel so hopeful. I think it all comes down to the human spirit. It is crazy how people are able to bounce back from disaster and also how even though the time we are facing is disastrous we manage to survive.

I know that by no stretch of the imagination that i have the worst problems out there- in fact i reckon they are pretty mundane but to me they feel insurmountable some days and others much easier to face. That to me is what is so inexplicable about human beings. Where does the strength come from?

I have been having a ridiculous time at work and I have a ridiculous home life. I have taken measures to fix both but ultimately I think for me to really realise my potential and my ability to achieve happiness I will need to do something risky and that is leave all that I am right now behind. Or is it really just what I do?

I feel tired of trying to make things work when it seems like it should not be such a big effort. I don't know what the answer to all this is but I guess at some point I'll get a little clarity.

I think I am rambling... in fact I am. I best be going.