time for change

Starting today I am quitting smoking and giving up alcohol, committing to my exercise programme and changing my bad eating habits all in the aim to become a happier healthier me. I will try log my progress daily. I had my last cigarette officially this morning, so I imagine today is going to be a bit tough.

I got my visa!!!

Have to say I am quite excited this morning, I went to fetch my visa for my trip to Greece. Only a few weeks away. I cant wait to get into the sunshine.

So it's been a while...

I cant recall the last time I posted anything online but I am sure it pre-dates my admission to hospital for pneumonia and my subsequent nervous breakdown from working myself half to death and sleeping very little.

I was retrenched after that bad spell and strangely I am happier than I have been in a long time. It took being incredibly ill and losing grip of my sanity to make me realise that if a job is killing your life spirit and your health its just not worth it.

To be fair, not working has me feeling a little bored and due to still struggling with depression I am lacking that get up and go spirit i normally have. I have been told it will take a while to feel like my old self again and that pursuing a new job right now would be detrimental to my health. I have to laugh at this advice because unfortunately dear therapist we aren't all Rockafellas and pretty soon I wont be able to afford our weekly sessions.

Having said that the truth is I am not ready to take on a heavy work load. I still become extremely agitated when I have to decide what to have for dinner so going headlong into a stressful work environment is probably a recipe for disaster.

I am proud to say I have booked and paid for my trip to Greece. Granted I am no longer 30 but at least I am doing it. I leave on the 31st of July for a two week holiday on the Greek Islands. I am so excited.

I have also been working on clinching some activations deals on the side to try bring in some cash but I am mostly lolling about at home doing nothing productive. I have decided I am giving up this week as a joke and will get cracking on some real productive work starting next week. When I say productive work I mean writing. I have complained bitterly for the latter part of my 20s that if i could just get a few months off I could write the book I keep threatening to write. Well I have my spare months and it is indeed time for me to get started.

In terms of my formal diagnosis - I am suffering from generalised anxiety disorder and depression - it is an acute episode brought on by being completely burnt out. I spent some interesting weeks in a psychiatric hospital, I swear I will write more about that in the next few days. Suffice to say - crazy people are not that crazy!

Trouble

Being self-destructive is a scary thing. I have this part of me that is and I worry myself that one day I will stop being lucky and really do something that is not fixable. I hate that I stress so badly about everything and I hope my new path to pursue therapy will assist me in stopping with this ridiculous behaviour.

Turn it around again

So the fact is I have been forced to change the way I live. I got sick and in part it was my fault because I never listened to my body saying it had had enough. I have not yet travelled to Greece which is a goal I have to fulfill before I am 31 - not long away now. But the reality is is I may only be able to book the trip now and take it a few weeks after my birthday because I have been away from work for so long. In the meantime I have decided I will start getting some external interests in my life. My motto of the moment is to try everything once! I have booked a surfing lesson the 1st weekend of May. I will start ballet classes by the end of this week and in the new term I will start to learn French. I am also going to start filling out the applications to do my MBA. I have wanted to study further and its now time to get it done. I am going to coach myself to look after myself better. I am going to be sure that I enjoy life because I have not enjoyed it in the last couple months and after spending three weeks in hospital with some real scares I dont really see the point of hanging around waiting for life to happen to you. The key thing is - Its just a job! And I have absolutely conclusive proof that when you are scared and shivering with fever your job does not hold you tight and tell you everything is going to be ok. The for real life makeover: Urgent items for Purchase Hanging calendar pens/cokies and general drawing apparatus new toothbrush (has to be done:-) bed side lamps candles desk lamp browse for: lounge suite coffee table As I keep going I'll get more clarity on what I need. But its off to the shops first to get cracking on changing everything I want to change. xo

Time heals all wounds

I have heard it said all too often but I have never thought of it in the context of an actual wound or in my case illness. I have been so incredibly frustrated because I have been in bed for 3 weeks now while I am feeling better each day I am not quite where I thought I would be.

I think the key is that I need to start doing more each day and trying to be more active. That will probably let my mind know that my body is getting better.

Feeling so ill

It seems I have pushed my body beyond reasonable limits physically and mentally. I have been ill with pneumonia for over two weeks and have found myself in hospital for eight of those days. For some reason all I am doing while I am supposed to be recovering is lying in bed and worrying about work, which is exactly why I found myself so ill in the first place. I ignored the warning signs and should have taken a couple of days rest towards the end of March. I feel like I am under so much pressure and I cant seem to feel at ease at all. I still get my email to my phone which is what I think is the real issue. its impossible to switch off. 

I worry for myself because I need to relax so I can recover but I just cant seem to just let it go.