The Green-Eyed Monster

I have to say the number one killer in a relationship has to be jealousy, A. because it eludes to a lack of trust and B. because you will probably drive your partner away with jealousy. I say this because I struggle with it - but alas I am the monster and if you couple that with the insecurity and the negativity that I manage to pile on as well its a surprise that anyone sticks around. My boyfriend had after work drinks with a friend of his sister's yesterday and my stomach bottomed out. I felt wretched and for no obvious good reason except that I was jealous that I am away on business and could not be there and then my mind did that awful thing where it started asking is something happening? I know many woman would say you have to trust your intuition but the problem is that there is a fine line between intuition and insecurity.

I think the other thing that struck me this morning is that if I keep thinking negatively I dont really deserve a positive outcome ( I say keep because this is not the first time I have been jealous)- It's almost a bit like the secret where you have to put good things out into the world and then you get good things back.

Now I need to explain that our relationship has been rocky, it isn't at the moment (I see question marks on your face)but getting to where we are now has been difficult. So the next thing I had to think about is do I love him? I mean do I really love him? I know it seems like a wierd question to ask but in order for me to banish the insecurity and the jealousy for good I need to reflect on a few things. If I love him I need to trust him, if I love him I need to respect his friendships male or female. If I love him then I have employ a little faith in his fidelity.

I am going to get a little "realistic" now - the fact is if he goes out with other people and he cheats on me he did something wrong , not me! The fear of losing someone makes you somehow take ownership of a guilt that is not yours.

Finally, I have cheated on him, he knows and he forgave me(although it was tough and agonizing and I thought we would never get through it but somehow we did and let me tell you the guilt never goes away) and really suspicion is born from reflecting your behaviour onto others. People who would never dream of cheating dont worry about their partners doing it.

So what it comes down to is that I have put my shit aside, trust him and allow myself happiness otherwise I will go insane.

I deserve to be happy
I deserve to be loved
I love Bear
He loves me
we respect each other
Everything is going well
and we are happy together!

Guilty Pleasure

Is it called a guilty pleasure because you know you should be doing something else? Like right now the kitchen is a mess, my room really does look like a bomb has hit it but I can not bring myself to tidy either because I am guilty-ly (not sure if that's a real word)enjoying not doing anything constructive. This is my first weekend off in two weeks and yesterday I did shopping for the house, washed dishes and cooked supper and it did not feel like a day off at all so today I am flat out refusing to do anything... Only problem is I fell guilty!

I also feel guilty that I had no intention of calling my parents today until I heard that one of my flatmate's friends's fathers died yesterday. as expected nothing spectacular is happening with them but at least I know they are both well and acting as bizarrely as they have been for weeks.

My mum is set to move here mid-September but get this my dad is coming for the trip but is not staying, they are too weird for words and I think I have chosen ignorance as a way to deal with their break-up or whatever the hell it is that they are doing.

Work has been hectic but I feel happy because I am enjoying it and I think I am pretty good at it as well. I dont like being away from Bear as much as I have been but on some level it sems to be doing our relationship some good.

Another sad-ish reality is that I have not been going to the gym and therefore am not losing any weight at all. I have to recommit. I spend a fair amount of my time recommitting to things. But I have to, to this one and well a number of other things. But its those guilty pleasures that keep holding me back.