Just Sad

Im sitting in an office in Durban and I just feel sad. Sad because the thought that keeps bubbling in mind and has been for weeks is that you are moving on and I dont know how to. Its sad that I remain so dedicated to you and that my heart is still yours. Sad that even though my head knows its over my heart is still hopeful. I love you and I will probably always love you. I miss you and I do wish that we could be together again. I have wanted to say this so desperately but its inappropriate so I'l say here in the anonymous ether of the internet.

I want to stop being sad but I know if I do it'll be over forever and I am not ready for that and thats why I think I am hanging onto hope and the love I feel. It is so incredibly painful I am often crippled by it but feeling something is better than nothing at all.

Unfortunately I can not really continue with this post but I will soon.

1 day to go

So I turn 30 tomorrow! I wish that I felt more excited but really I feel a little bit lonely. Its crazy how two nights in the middle of winter, alone, can make you feel so isolated.

Everything just keeps changing

So as of Tuesday afternoon I am back in the corporate world. I was head hunted! Feels fantastic to say that. After the truly terrible experience I had at my previous job, my working self-esteem was at an all time low but having been out of that environment for the last two months I have gained some much needed perspective.

First of all - global agencies will manipulate you into believing that you should be grateful for the job they have given you. Don't fall for it. Any company is only as good as the individuals that work for it. I did fall for it and I worked myself into an anxious mess. Now that I can objectively review the situation I know I never stood up for myself so its hardly surprising that when I gave a pinky finger they took the entire arm and then charged me for their time.

So after this experience and considering the fact that I have been working hard on my own business why did I decide to return to the corporate world. To put in frankly they gave me an offer I couldn't refuse including the opportunity to continue working on my own business.

I have revenge in my heart and its directed solely at my previous company and while I wish I was a master plotter, I do not have the evil scheming abilities of Blair Waldorf ex 'Gossip Girl'. So my revenge will need to be served in the form of Karma. I intend on completely changing the face of advertising in South Africa and once I become a credible and quoted source, I will tell the world how certain companies actively destroy the creativity and potential of young adults starting in the corporate world.

ahh small victories.

So on another note folks, I am exactly a week away from my 30th birthday. I am about to embark on a new job and I have lost 12kgs. I dont speak any french but I am about to work for a french company. I did a design course - although it was an architecture course and not dress design. I have adopted a beauty regime which I stick to fairly regularly.

I have not written a novel but I have bleated on about my feelings here and in my personal journal so many times, I have surely filled enough pages for it to be considered a novel! A boring one but not everyone is brilliant the first time around.

I have started my own business. I have not booked my trip to Greece yet but I think as long as it happens in my 30th year then that's all that matters.

And belly dancing - well I never went to another class after writing the original post.

I am going to gym at least 3 times a week at the moment but thats because I have a personal trainer and its costing me an arm and a leg. Money is such a great motivator.

So by my calculations I stuck to at least 80% of my original goals and I'm pretty chuffed.

Expect the goals for my 31st year in a short while.

It is not getting any easier

The truth about break ups is, if you don't love your ex then it wouldn't be that hard! If you are laughing at me right now for making such a dumb statement, then you have obviously not gone through a major break up recently, because while it may seem obvious, after three months of break up I started feeling pretty good. I thought (arrogantly I might add)-'I am ambivalent to my ex and what he does, does not effect me.' Except it does.

He is seeing someone new and while in his presence I think I dealt with it maturely, the rest of the weekend I spent tearful and full of anguish and that's when I realised I still love him, a lot!

His moving on so quickly of course feels like a twist of the knife further into my gut. Its not that I did not expect it to happen, I even knew that he would start dating way before I did. I just thought that I would care less.

Quite frankly if it was not for a very wise friend who told me to get out of bed and have a shower when I was bbming her and telling her I wanted to die this morning, I may well still have been in bed with very puffy cried out eyes.

To add insult to injury, I have had some male attention in the last few weeks but every last one of them just wants to get into my pants. They have no interest in me what so ever and to be honest most of them have been pretty vulgar in their pursuit. One gem even sent this charming message to me yesterday

"I want to do you!"

I know what you're thinking, I have to be putting out these kind of vibes to be getting such crude responses. I might be, I suppose, because I feel vulnerable I dont want anyone pulling on my heart strings but at the same time I wish they would at least try a little harder at romancing me before trying to slip off my bra straps.

Men truly are pigs!

Working it

The strangest part of creating your own business is that there are days when there seems to be nothing to do. Or rather there is a lack of inspiration. I feel pretty determined in terms of wanting to get business but I desperately want to get the look and feel of the company done first. It feels like everything moves so slowly and I just want to get going. I am fairly certain we could be making money by July but only if the administrative portion of the business set-up is complete. I admit I have been dragging my feet with the business plan. Why? because its hard - harder than I expected and on some levels I just don't know the answers.

I have to start getting meetings with potential clients so thats the next thing on the list.

Will keep you posted

Lonely

So I suppose its not surprising that I am starting to feel really lonely. I guess I thought that given the fact that I have to be in pain over the break-up I should not be forced into additional suffering because now I feel lonely too.

I dont know if I previously mentioned but my ex works with the same people I am partnering with in my new venture. I did not plan this to remain close to him. The plan was that we would partner before I lost my romantic partner. Fortunately he is not in our four seater office very often but he has been today and it makes me sad that the person I have shared the last six years with is now so foreign to me.

I have good friends, great actually given that they still talk to me despite the fact that I basically dumped them for six years while I thrust all my energy into my doomed relationship. But they are very far away and lets face it girls just don't cut it when what you're missing, is a boy.

I suppose if we had the type of relationship where he wasn't my best friend, then it would not be so bad. But... he was and now I feel lonely because I have all these other things happening and I just want to share it with somebody! No that is entirely wrong, I want to share it with him!

I do hope for the occasional readers of this blog that I don't whine on like this forever. Soon I will write something inspiring... but don't hold your breath, you may die before I get to it.

Sense Check

I have just gone back to my original list of things I needed to have done by the time I turned Thirty, and well truth is I am not tracking that well. I have however, quit my job and become a proud new business owner as of tomorrow. I am supposed to start a design course next week Saturday. I have lost at least ten of the 15kgs I was supposed to have lost by my 30th- just need to lose the final five and we can tick that one off the list. I have not become fluent in French and I have not read the books I was supposed to have read. I have not gone to any belly dancing classes and I am single and extremely sad about it.

I miss him terribly and I truthfully do not want to move on and start over. Not because its scary and my prior relationship was comfortable and easy - because it wasn't actually. I love him and I have never loved anyone the way I love him. I want him to love me back but he doesn't and I think the hardest thing I have learnt in my twenties is that unrequited love sucks balls!!!!!!

I dont cry all that often about not being with him but I am absolutely useless at not contacting him. I am also going into partnership with his boss so that means I will see him around the office fairly frequently and truth be told the minute he has a new girlfriend I think I may die.

I am the pathetic singleton who is the last of her friends to get married and I am about to torture myself daily with my ex's presence as I begin my new business venture. Does anyone else smell disaster?

Why is nothing ever easy? Why do I not have shed loads of cash so that I can run away for a year and come back feeling more whole? Its the agony of once being part of something and now without warning you are alone and have to be brave and do things all by yourself. I am exceptionally bad at being alone so I know the test for me is to become comfortable with my own company but because I have spent ten years pouring all my energy into relationships that are now over I am... quite frankly very dull.

I have been aiming to become more interesting but despite my dedication to my failed romances I am quite bad at remaining dedicated to anything else. I suppose the upside is that keeping my love life above water really has taken a tremendous amount of effort and since that has gone belly up I can utilise the energy that I used use there, for other things. Perhaps now I will learn French and go to belly dancing lessons and develop a proper beauty regime because the truth is I really have nothing better to do with my time!

I think I need to invest in some form of internet capability at my new house (at mom's at the moment) because maybe now I could actually focus on my blog a little more as well.

Sense check - two months prior to my 30th birthday and as you can imagine life changes so much in a year that most of the goals I had a year ago don't really apply - or do they?

Revision of my list:

1. by my 30th birthday I would like to have at least one client for my business
2.I would like to have lost the five extra stubborn kilos
3.I would like to have developed at least one new interest that does not involve a man, specifically not my ex
4. I would like to attend at least eight classes of anything
5. Have a clear plan in place for my overseas trip - I will go to Europe in 2011

the unofficial number 6 - dont be so hard on myself that I feel absolutely forlorn because the most important thing in my life for the last six years has left me. Its okay to cry and be sad.

Changing lanes

It's almost two months since our break-up and well I have good days and bad days. I have resigned my job and I am about to start my own business. I have vowed to change my life entirely. It's my belief that you have to take everything that happens in life as a new opportunity.

I have missed him terribly and sometimes I feel like I cant move forward but those feelings lessen everyday. I have lost ten kgs - if only I knew it was my boyfriend that was making me fat. LOL.

So perhaps, my new beginnings will be made easier because I do feel prettier and sexier without the extra weight. I still need to lose at least five more and tone everything up.

I am also going to start looking after myself better. Hair done, nails done, new clothing style.

Fake it till you make it! fake it till you make it!

Broken

He broke up with me just under two weeks ago and for all intents and purposes I have been taking it in my stride but today, all I feel, is broken.

I was mistaken in thinking that things were going well for us and that we could be happy if we could just be on our own. We never got the chance and now I feel empty and lonely.

I miss him but not the way he is right now. we went out on Friday night - it was my colleague/friend's birthday. the horrific twist is that this guy is also loosely his boss. Everything was okay until he started getting drunk and flirting with anything that had legs in front of my work colleagues and clients. I was so embaressed, and now I just feel angry because he has not called or texted an apology, a hello or anything.

I know he probably never will but after six years you would think there would be some measure of respect.

I hate myself so much right now

Once again I find myself on the bizarre end of an awful hangover and I feel wretched. I feel mortified for getting so drunk and ashamed that when I drink I lose all control. I know its a problem but I keep doing it and well then I spend the next couple days getting my head right because all my good feeling hormones completely bottom out. I think the reality is that I should never drink because I have such adverse reactions.

Either way I think its necessary that I stop drinking completely. Maybe now that its on paper - figuratively anyway - and on the web ether I will finally have the will power to stop.

I know the effect alcohol has on people and the people they love and I dont want to be the source of embarressment for the people who love me.

I know most people wont understand it but its like I become a different person when I drink. I lose my conscience. I hate who I become but only after the damage is done. Then I spend days trying to make up for it.

Its just too much and not what I want for my life. It scares me a lot and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. So I guess all I can ask is that you hold thumbs for me while I do my best to fight my weakness.

On track for losing weight

Okay so here are my current measurements
Bust 104
Waist 81
Tummy 98
Hips 101
Arms 31
Legs 58

My Plan is to lose ten centimeters on my waist, 20 centimeters on my tummy, five on my hips and five on the bust. 3 on my arms and 8 on my legs. I am working towards doing this by my 30th birthday on the 23rd June 2011. Will keep you posted

Missing

Its really weird how down I feel when bear is not around, he is in Durbs and will be until the 18th and only going to see him again on the 20th. I dont like not being able to give him a hug or have in bed next to me. I love when he calls and we can chat but its just not the same as having him right here with me.

The thing that makes me feel the best when we're together is just having his arms around me- ewww sounds so corny! BUT really there is something so amazing about having a partner in your life. Somebody you can share things with - good or bad!

I also know yesterday's post was written awfully and this one is not very soulful either but I needed to say that BEAR I really MISS you!

Alcohol

I have a bad relationship with alcohol,To often have I gotten so drunk that I don't remember what I did and what I did is normally bone crushingly embarrassing. I also have a bit of a will power problem as well. Naturally the way to deal with this problem would be to not drink at all but I keep making the same mistake and I am quite tired of it.

I am not like most people, who A. know there limits and B. don't become a whole different person when they drink. I think realistically the problem is genetic. My father is an alcoholic and I think that I probably will always have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I also think its about time I make a commitment to stop drinking. it keeps messing up my life - well I keep messing up my life with alcohol. I have to be honest if the most recent incident means I lose my job I really don't mind because I am so over it but I really am over the drinking.