Sense Check

I have just gone back to my original list of things I needed to have done by the time I turned Thirty, and well truth is I am not tracking that well. I have however, quit my job and become a proud new business owner as of tomorrow. I am supposed to start a design course next week Saturday. I have lost at least ten of the 15kgs I was supposed to have lost by my 30th- just need to lose the final five and we can tick that one off the list. I have not become fluent in French and I have not read the books I was supposed to have read. I have not gone to any belly dancing classes and I am single and extremely sad about it.

I miss him terribly and I truthfully do not want to move on and start over. Not because its scary and my prior relationship was comfortable and easy - because it wasn't actually. I love him and I have never loved anyone the way I love him. I want him to love me back but he doesn't and I think the hardest thing I have learnt in my twenties is that unrequited love sucks balls!!!!!!

I dont cry all that often about not being with him but I am absolutely useless at not contacting him. I am also going into partnership with his boss so that means I will see him around the office fairly frequently and truth be told the minute he has a new girlfriend I think I may die.

I am the pathetic singleton who is the last of her friends to get married and I am about to torture myself daily with my ex's presence as I begin my new business venture. Does anyone else smell disaster?

Why is nothing ever easy? Why do I not have shed loads of cash so that I can run away for a year and come back feeling more whole? Its the agony of once being part of something and now without warning you are alone and have to be brave and do things all by yourself. I am exceptionally bad at being alone so I know the test for me is to become comfortable with my own company but because I have spent ten years pouring all my energy into relationships that are now over I am... quite frankly very dull.

I have been aiming to become more interesting but despite my dedication to my failed romances I am quite bad at remaining dedicated to anything else. I suppose the upside is that keeping my love life above water really has taken a tremendous amount of effort and since that has gone belly up I can utilise the energy that I used use there, for other things. Perhaps now I will learn French and go to belly dancing lessons and develop a proper beauty regime because the truth is I really have nothing better to do with my time!

I think I need to invest in some form of internet capability at my new house (at mom's at the moment) because maybe now I could actually focus on my blog a little more as well.

Sense check - two months prior to my 30th birthday and as you can imagine life changes so much in a year that most of the goals I had a year ago don't really apply - or do they?

Revision of my list:

1. by my 30th birthday I would like to have at least one client for my business
2.I would like to have lost the five extra stubborn kilos
3.I would like to have developed at least one new interest that does not involve a man, specifically not my ex
4. I would like to attend at least eight classes of anything
5. Have a clear plan in place for my overseas trip - I will go to Europe in 2011

the unofficial number 6 - dont be so hard on myself that I feel absolutely forlorn because the most important thing in my life for the last six years has left me. Its okay to cry and be sad.